Author's Note: There is no explanation or excuse for this story, other than it was inspired by Louisa Swanson's Ducks crossover, and it has nothing to do with my other story. :-) Hope you enjoy ... "The REAL Reason Ivy Gets so Ticked Off at Carmen" by Sara Keating San Francisco "No!" Ivy said, putting down her tea. She was wearing a v- neck cream silk tunic, bronze silk skirt, suede boots, and art- deco gold jewelry and belt. Right now she looked thoroughly exasperated; it seemed to be impossible to get through dinner without being interrupted. First it had been someone from Crimenet about Carmen's last caper, then it had been one of the other detectives wanting to know about a non-Carmen case she and Zack had handled a week before, and now Josha. "But Ivy - " "No. I refuse. I'm not giving up my date - which I had to break last week - to test anything. Particularly not that, since Zack and I landed up to our necks in mud every time with the last model." Josha looked at Ivy, pitifully. "But - you promised - " Ivy's date, hockey player Duke l'Orange, looked at Josha. "Look, I don't think she promised to go off with you in the middle of a date with me!" Duke was dressed in a smashing blue and purple suit, with a few small, tasteful items of jewelry; Ivy preferred not to think about how he might have acquired them. "I didn't. I'll test it at work tomorrow. Now go away, Josha!" Josha walked off, and Ivy finally got to look at the menu. "Next time, we should go somewhere Acme doesn't hang out." "Good idea. And somewhere that none of my teammates hang out either." The waitress brought Ivy a second cup of tea and took their orders; they talked about events since their last date, until Ivy's communicator went off. "Carmen just stole the Paris Opera House!" the Chief exclaimed. "So? I have the night off!" Ivy retorted. "You promised!" "Ivy, listen -" the Chief said, cajoling. Duke put down his coffee, and snapped, annoyed, "You have an entire agency full of Detectives, and she can't have one night off?" "But - " "Chief, I told you that unless it was an emergency or something absolutely no one else could handle, to find someone else," Ivy snapped, shaking her head. "Carmen taking off with the Paris Opera House isn't an emergency, it's normal. Zack can handle it. He can work with someone else for one night, it won't kill him." The rest of the patrons in the restaurant were ignoring this; it was a popular place with Acme Detectives, and a disembodied head was less unusual a sight than a talking duck with an eyepatch. Actually, Duke wasn't that unusual a sight either, any more; he and Ivy had been to this restaurant several times. Once they had even gotten their dinner before someone interrupted them; unfortunately, the interruption had been Dragonous planning to blow up a dozen military bases and Carmen stealing Stonehenge, which had killed the date. "What is wrong with you? Usually Carmen steals something, you're yelling at Zack to hurry up," the Chief demanded. "It's not my fault Carmen has no life," Ivy replied. "Get someone else, Chief." She hung up just as the entrees - grilled trout with lemon sauce and baked fennel pudding for her, Moroccan lamb stew for Duke - arrived. He shook his head. "If you have to go through all this for a night off, what happens when you want a vacation?" "Losing the communicator usually helps," Ivy said. "Sorry about that, what were you saying?" They went back to discussing the cuisines of Puckworld and Earth over dinner, and comparing theater, in anticipation of actually seeing the show all the way through that night. Her communicator went off again just as they were contemplating dessert. "Chief, what did I just tell you?" Ivy looked as if she'd have liked to throw something at him. "Uh, c'mon, Ivy - " he said, looking very nervous. "Is there a real emergency?" "Well, no ... but Zack's having trouble with the clue ..." "So send someone else, who's on the top of the rota." "But you're his partner!" "You promised I could have tonight off!" Ivy snapped back. "But, Ivy!" the Chief protested. "Zack needs you!" "He'll live for one night!" "You're worse than Wildwing," Duke commented. "At least he has the excuse there's only six of us!" The Chief clicked off, grumbling disappointedly. Duke and Ivy decided to forgo dessert and get to the theater before anyone else could try to interrupt. Paris "What do you mean she's not coming!" Zack exclaimed. "Uh, well, she was really mad, I mean it was the second time in less than forty-five minutes, and she'd already had to deal with Crimenet and Detective Franklin and Josha. She said it wasn't her fault Carmen didn't have a life, whatever that means. At least Carmen has a body." "I'm insulted," Carmen said dryly from behind them. "And what would you do with a body if you had one, Chief?" Zack jumped, yelped and turned around. "You should be. Why don't you ever take a vacation, Carmen?" he asked, moving toward her. "Oh, lots of things," the Chief smirked. "This is more fun than a vacation," Carmen replied, backing away, amused. "And what is Ivy doing that's more important than chasing me?" "She's on a date with a duck," Zack said, irritably. He couldn't believe she'd rather watch some dumb musical than help him catch Carmen Sandiego. He didn't understand what she saw in a reformed jewel thief anyway, much less one who happened to be a duck. Carmen stopped dead in her tracks, a look of total amazement on her face. "She's WHAT?" Zack tackled Carmen just as she backflipped out the window; her glider came out, but it wasn't meant to handle the extra hundred pounds of Zack. "Zack, let go!" Carmen shouted. "We're going to crash!" "We're two hundred feet up! I'd be road pizza!" The ground was approaching unpleasantly fast. "We're both going to have a hard landing if you don't let go!" The ground met them with a shock and a thud. "Oof! Ow! Carmen, how much do you weigh?!" "Mind your own business, Zack," Carmen said, disentangling herself from him and retrieving her hat. Zack grabbed his handcuffs and went after her; somehow in the struggle she locked him to the nearest parking meter. "Did you say Ivy was dating a duck?" Carmen asked, as she slipped away. "A hockey-playing alien duck," Zack said, grouchily. "What do you care?" Carmen shook her head and disappeared just as the policeshowed up and Zack found his handcuff keys. He spent the next twenty minutes explaining the situation to the police, arguing with the Chief about Carmen's clue, and waiting for someone on rota to get there, since the Chief was refusing to call Ivy again. "Hello, Zack," Jasmine said. "Ivy's got the night off?" "Yeah," he grumped, and tossed her a dollhouse chandelier, a figurine of an angel, and a tiny model cable car. Paris Carmen looked at the sheet in front of her, explaining where a mysterious stream of anonymous messages had come from; they told when one of her favorite detectives was most likely to be distracted. She'd had Sara Bellum tracing them. "These are coming from Acme?" "Yes," Sara said. "I haven't figured out where, exactly, yet, but someone in Acme is sending them." Carmen nodded. "Good work. Keep working on it," she said. Sara disappeared back to her lab, and Carmen went back to musing about Ivy's taste in men. A hockey-playing alien duck. She didn't think Ivy even liked hockey. She shook her head, wondering what in the world the detective had been thinking. Interspecies dating. It sounded like the next edition of the Jerry Springer show. She rose to her feet and headed out to perform the last theft of this caper; she'd always been found of the theater. San Francisco "Now what?!" Ivy said, when sounds of panic emerged from backstage, a few minutes before the curtain was supposed to rise. The theater manager emerged, shaken. "Ladies and gentlemen, we have a slight problem. Carmen Sandiego just stole the orchestra, the music, and our lead actors!" "That tears it," Ivy said, standing and shaking out her skirt. "Let's go find Carmen Sandiego," Duke replied, getting up. "I want a few words with her." They headed backstage and found the manager. "Acme Detective Ivy, this is special consultant Duke l'Orange. What precisely happened?" Ivy said, flashing her badge. "That was fast," the theater manager said, staring at Duke for a minute and trying not to let his jaw hang open. "We were trying to see the show. Again," Duke replied. "The orchestra was about to enter when she showed up. I don't know what she did, but she took off with the entire orchestra and all their music. These men in gray grabbed our leads and took off with them." "Did she leave anything behind?" The manager produced a miniature violin and a box of Swedish cookies. "Wasn't the character Christine Daae daughter to a Swedish violinist?" "Yes," the manager replied, nonplussed. "You think she's in Sweden?" Duke asked. "Does she always do that?" "Yeah," Ivy said. "It's part of the game for her." The C-5 corridor opened up behind them. "I thought you had better things to do than chase Carmen," Zack said sulkily. "Hello, Ivy," Jasmine said, and stared in disbelief at Duke. Ivy glared at Zack. "Actually, I do, but Carmen just stole it." She tossed the cookies and the violin to Zack. "Don't eat the evidence." "Chill," Duke said to Zack. "She can have a night off once in a while, kid." Zack looked unconvinced and vaguely insulted. Jasmine shook her head. "Uh, right. Ivy ..." "What? Oh. Sorry, Jasmine. Duke, this is Jasmine, one of Acme's finest. Jasmine, this is Duke l'Orange, he's acting as special consultant." She glared at Zack again and he decided to shut up. "Charmed," Duke said, bowing over Jasmine's hand. "Likewise," Jasmine said, smiling, and determined to have a long talk with Ivy on the subject of talking ducks soon. Somehow Ivy had neglected to mention that when she'd said she had a steady date. They C-5'd to Sweden. "You don't like teleporting, and you do that on a regular basis?" Duke asked, picking himself up. He dusted himself off. Ivy shrugged. "I'm used to C-5ing." "I wish they would fix the landing, but Josha keeps getting distracted with other projects," Jasmine added. "Where's Zack?" "He was here a minute ago," Duke said, looking. "Wait, there he goes - " Zack was headed for a house in the distance. "Zack, wait up!" Just as they got there, Zack having already entered, the house ripped loose from its foundations and flew into the air, assisted by Carmen's usual crew. Carmen herself climbed onto the roof. "Sorry to drag you away, Detective," she called, chuckling, and threw another clue. "That's a lovely outfit." "Lady, I want a few words with you," Duke shouted. "I'm getting tired of you trashing my dates!" Several of Carmen's henchmen stopped and stared at Duke, with expressions varying from total disbelief to terror; it made it easier for Ivy and Jasmine to grab them. Carmen's jaw dropped; she'd half-convinced herself Zack had just been trying to shock her into standing still so he could capture her. "Ivy, I never thought you'd ..." "Don't say it, Carmen," Ivy warned. Carmen disappeared into the distance, her reply unheard, which Jasmine thought was probably all for the better. "Great. Now Carmen has Zack," Jasmine said. "Well, she won't kill him and she won't torture him," Ivy said. "What's the clue?" The clue turned out to be a picture of Queen Elizabeth, with a dry note of 'Madame Tussaud's might catch me ... but not you, Detectives!" London, outskirts, Office in the Paris Opera House "He sent those messages?" Carmen asked, astonished. "I just finished tracking them," Sara Bellum replied, looking up from her laptop. "They all came from his account." Zack was trying to wriggle out of Moe's grip, and looking rather worried. Carmen shook her head. "Did you try to break up Ivy's dates when she went out with humans, or just this duck?" Zack mumbled something that sounded incoherent and probably incriminating. "Hmmm ..." Carmen said, smiling. "Moe, just hand him over to Ivy when she gets here. Make sure you tell her exactly what he did." Zack blanched. "Uh, Carmen, don't you have a dungeon or something? A nice time portal to hurl me through, an experiment Sara needs a subject for, something?" "Oh, no," Carmen said, smiling. "I think this is much more appropriate." She and Sara both laughed. Zack looked like he was considering running for his life. London, Outskirts Ivy, Duke, and Jasmine arrived outside London, after a detour to consult with the local Acme office and for Duke to have Tanya do a search. "That must be the place," Duke said, pointing to the Paris Opera House, now fully lit up and glowing. Music was coming from inside. The smaller house was sitting next to it. They skulked up to it, knocked out Carmen's henchmen guarding the door, and were in. "Uh, Carmen, the redhead's here and she has another detective and this duck with her!" one of Carmen's grey-clad henchmen shouted, running into the room. "A duck? What did she bring a duck for?" Sara asked. "Oh, her date!" "I dunno, but he's big, talks, and has a sword and an eyepatch! Kinda piratical!" "Carmen, are you sure you wouldn't reconsider a time portal?" Zack asked, going even paler. "Yes," Carmen said, still rather amused; a piratical duck. Maybe Ivy wasn't as straight-laced as she wanted everyone to think. Just then Duke, Ivy and Jasmine appeared in the doorway. "Uh, here - " Moe said, throwing Zack at Ivy. "He's, uh, been sending messages to the boss when you're on a date." "You did what?!" Ivy demanded, shoving Zack off and getting to her feet, as Carmen slipped out the back. Moe's jaw dropped and he stared at Duke while Sara took off after Carmen. Zack backed away from Ivy and scrambled to his feet. "Uh, well, I can explain ..." "No, you can't," Duke said. "Sheesh, even Nosedive has better sense." Zack looked at Duke, looked at Ivy, turned, and ran for his life, heading in the same direction Carmen had. Jasmine cuffed Moe; Carmen emerged from a door down the hall. "Go after her! I'll take care of him!" Duke and Ivy went charging after Carmen, who apparently was headed for the auditorium. It was an immense, shadowy room, with a great stage currently half-filled with old props and scenery, lit by an enormous crystal chandelier, the sort no one dared to make in this century. Carmen made for the stage while Zack ran for the exits at the back. Duke and Ivy followed hard on Carmen's heels, up onto the stage. Carmen grabbed a fencing sword from the props; Duke drew his sword. "En guarde!" They fought up and down the stage, dancing in and out of old scenery from the Sound of Music. Ivy decided Duke had the situation well in hand and went after Zack, who was running for the exits. She ran across the seats after him, and tackled him when he hit a clear spot in front of the door. "Ooof! Ivy! I can explain! Really!" Zack protested, trying to wriggle out from under her. However, she outweighed him by a good thirty pounds or so, and sat solidly on his chest. "Little bro, I am going to get you for that," she said. "Did you pull that stunt with every guy I dated?" Zack decided silence was the better part of discretion. "Uh-huh. I thought so," she said, and dragged him to his feet and up to the stage. Duke's sword flashed in a series of rapid movements that Carmen didn't quite manage to parry. A few seconds later, her coat, in pieces, slid to the ground, revealing short black skirt and yellow turtleneck. She shook off the sleeves before they could tangle up her hands. "That's for ruining my date," Duke said, and parried an outraged Carmen's next few blows. He disarmed her, tripped her, and opted to sit on her until Ivy dragged Zack up. "What do we do with these snakes in the grass? I could con Tanya into sending them off to some nice deserted island," Duke said. "No, let's leave Tanya out of this. Mallory was trying to drag her out of the lab to go to a club tonight. Besides, Duke, there's a perfectly good chandelier up there," Ivy said, digging a pair of experimental handcuffs out of her pockets, and collecting Zack's ordinary handcuffs and his keys. "I like the way you think," Duke said, grabbing Carmen and hauling her to her feet. "Ivy, you wouldn't!" Zack said. "Mom'll have a fit." "She's been doing that as long I've been going out with Duke," Ivy replied, dragging a resistant Zack toward the stairs. Duke followed with Carmen, who was as unhappy as Zack. "Your parents don't like me," Duke commented. Ivy shrugged. "I think it's the eyepatch." "Detective, don't you think this is a little extreme?" she asked, trying to break free of Duke. "No," Ivy said. "This was the third time we tried to see Phantom. I am tired of being interrupted." They reached a balcony next to the chandelier. Ivy handcuffed Zack to Carmen, then she and Duke forced them both up onto the railing. They had to grab the chandelier chain to keep from falling; Ivy locked their free wrists together with the other set of handcuffs, and shoved them the rest of the way over. "Ivy, let me down!" "Detective, this is absurd." "Carmen, so is stealing buildings. Don't worry, Zack. I'm sure someone will be along to get you out of this shortly." Duke grinned and transformed his armor back into a suit. "Or not. I think that other detective, Jasmine, is a little busy rounding up henchmen. Well, beautiful, the show's ruined, but we could always go to that little coffee place and then go dancing for the rest of the night." "Terrific, handsome," she replied, as they walked down the stairs. "Chief, situation under control. Duke and I are returning to San Francisco." Duke took her arm as they reached the bottom of the stairs. "Opening C-5 corridor. Where's Zack?" "He's, um, tied up at the moment. Jasmine's got things under control." They walked through the corridor back to San Francisco, picked up Ivy's car, and drove to their favorite coffeehouse. Carmen looked murderously at Zack as several giggling Acme detectives congregated on the balcony, trying to figure out how to get them off the chandelier. "This is all your fault." Zack was reconsidering the offer from a team of Antarctic scientists to come down there for six months to run their computers. He was never going to live this down. Epilogue "Morning, Danielle," Ivy said, walking into Acme at eight- thirty; traffic had been bad on the way in, and she hadn't gotten home until after dawn. She'd changed back into her usual working clothes. The brown-haired, brown-eyed receptionist looked up and smiled. "Morning, Ivy," Danielle said. "The Chief wants to see you an hour ago." "That fast, huh?" Ivy said, pouring herself coffee with cream and sugar. "Anything else?" "Josha wants you to call him. Something about keys. He's called several times. Um, did you happen to catch the news?" "I was out all night," Ivy said, smiling broadly. "Hot date, huh? Lucky you," Danielle said enviously. "And I sit home all alone. Some people have all the luck. Anyway," she said with a grin, "it seems Carmen and Zack got, um, a little attached last night. Something about a duck and a redhead." Ivy laughed. "Yeah?" "Yeah. If you don't spill it at lunch, I'll tell Libby to make sure you don't get anything edible." "Uh, right. Danielle, I don't know if I'll even get to eat lunch," Ivy said, yawning. She sipped her coffee. "That it?" "Yep." The phone rang. "Hi, Chief. Yes, she just walked in. I'll tell her." "Go directly to Josha's lab, do not pass go, do not collect $200." Danielle was an inveterate Monopoly player. Ivy waved and passed her badge through the scanner to get in to work. She walked through the maze of corridors to get down to Josha's lab. "Ivy, where have you been? You shut your communicator off, you never write, you never call!" "Chief, it was one night. I can have one night off. You promised I could have last night off." "Just where were you?" the Chief demanded. "You sound like my mother," Ivy complained, confiscating Josha's chair. Arguing voices came from deeper in the lab. "I was several places, and none of them are any of your business, Chief." They'd started out at the coffeehouse, then visited half a dozen dance clubs, and gone to another coffeehouse for what remained of the night. "Yeah, yeah. Did you bring the keys?" "Keys?" "Yes, keys. Those things you turn to unlock or lock things, remember? Such as handcuffs. How could you leave Zack and Carmen hanging?" Josha came back, followed shortly by Zack and Carmen, startlingly close to each other. Ivy yawned again, mightily. "Sorry. They got down; there were plenty of people around to get them down. Quite easily, Chief, I've had it with Zack tipping off Carmen to ruin my dates. I've had it with Carmen ruining my dates - dammit, that was the third time we tried to see Phantom, and she steals it! That's not even counting the half-dozen other dates with Duke she's ruined, the dates with other people ..." Josha shook his head, looking confused. "Can I have my chair back? And don't put the coffee down on my files." "That's no excuse, Ivy. You abandoned your partner - " "I did not. Jasmine was there, and there were other detectives incoming." She sighed and looked at Josha. "All right, all right," she grumbled, getting up. Josha sat down, and Ivy realized Zack and Carmen were still handcuffed together, and apparently had been for the entire night ... some twelve hours or so. "Did you bring the keys?" the Chief demanded. Ivy chuckled, then sat down hard on the floor and laughed heartily. "Detective, this is undignified, rude and callous." Ivy laughed harder. "Sis, come on! Just give Josha the keys!" "Ivy, you had my experimental handcuffs, and we can't get them off without the keys," Josha said. "I want them out of my lab!" Ivy finally stopped laughing a few minutes later. "Oh, that was priceless!" She dug the keys from her pockets. "OK, little bro, what do I get in return for the keys?" "IVY!" the Chief said. "That's enough. Just hand over the keys." "Chief, you have no sense of humor," Ivy said, tossing Josha the keys. He immediately unlocked Zack and Carmen, retrieved his handcuffs, and looked like he wanted everyone to get out of his lab. Carmen and Zack both glared at her, and stepped well away from each other. The Chief answered a call. "Bad influence? He's the bad infuence, Wildwing! Before she took up with him she was a good, serious detective! Now she goes around handcuffing people to chandeliers! What do you mean, he never acted like this either! He's the reformed thief, isn't he?" Ivy started laughing again. "I have got to call Mallory tonight," she commented, staggering to her feet. "This is just too good." "And now it took us forever to get her to hand over the keys because she turned off her communicator. He turned his off too? What do you mean you can't have that? I can't have one of my best detectives handcuffing her partner to chandeliers, either!" "Sis, I'm going to get you - " "Detective, this means war." Ivy chuckled. "Bugs Bunny, Carmen?" Josha looked at everyone. "The Chief's arguing with a duck. Carmen and Zack are allying against Ivy, who has flipped out. I'm the only sane person in the room." He thought about it. "Carmen, drop that! Everyone get out of my lab!" Ivy staggered laughing out of his lab back to her own office.