Experiment #914: "The Stolen Smile" By Laurie LeBlanc and Kevin Farley Disclaimer: All the characters of "Where on Earth is Carmen Sandiego?" are copyright Dic Productions and Broderbund Software. Carmen Sandiego is a registered trademark of Broderbund Software. All the characters of Mystery Science Theater 3000 are copyright Best Brains, Inc. They're all used without permission. Yes, we do love the animated Carmen series, but this episode is not that good at all. And we figured what better way to express our dislike than to do a MSTing of it. As for Carmen being there...she's suffering, sorry to say. To distinguish her in the theater from Carmen in the episode, the dialogue and actions will be headed: Screen Carmen. Also, the script of "The Stolen Smile" is not complete. There are some lines omitted or paraphrased, though the general script is in tact. We also realize that this wouldn't be a full MST3K episode either, but numbered it #914 to put it in the ninth season. (Warning: This fic is rated PG for language.) (theme song, followed by all 6 theater doors closing) (Zoom in to Mike with Crow and Tom Servo) Mike: Hey everybody, welcome to the Satellite of Lo- (crashing noise followed by the room shaking) Crow: What was that? Mike: I'm not sure, but I'll go see. (exits) Mike (from off camera): Are you ok? (There are some clanging sounds followed by a female voice replying.) Female voice: (off camera) I...I think so. Mike: (off-camera) We'll make sure you're just fine, Miss...? Female voice: (off camera) Sandiego. I'm Carmen Sandiego...and you are? Tom: (shouting to Mike) HEY! WHAT'S GOING ON?! Mike: (off-camera) HANG ON A SEC! Guess I'd better get back to the guys and you can explain everything to everyone. I'm Mike Nelson, by the way. Carmen: (off camera) Nice to meet you, Mike. (Enter Mike with a shaken up Carmen [sporting her standard outfit] behind him.) (Robots look surprised.) Tom: You're...you're... Crow: Wait, how... Carmen: I can explain, but before I do...who are you two? (points to each robot) Tom: Oh yeah, that would be good to know. Well, I'm Tom Servo- chick magnet. Crow: And I'm Crow T. Robot, the intellectual one. Carmen: Mmm hmm. And that camera in front of us...? Mike: Oh, that's just Cambot. Go ahead and wave. (Carmen waves with a confused look on her face.) Carmen: So, is that everyone? Mike: Well...almost.... Carmen: I take it there's something more I'm going to need to know. Crow: We'll fill you in, but first, your story! Carmen: Very well. In my lab, there's a professor who works on new gadgets for me that assist me in my capers. She was testing out some kind of transport glider that somehow ended up crashing into the door of this satellite. Mike: Good thing the professor gave you a helmet and air tank, huh? Carmen: Indeed. Mike: Well, no real damage was done. And just as long as you're ok- Carmen: I'm fine. Was it ok just to leave the equipment over there? Mike: Sure. Crow: (taps Mike on the shoulder and whispers in his ear) Hey Mike, think she could get us outta here? Mike: (whispers back) Not sure, but it wouldn't hurt to ask. Crow: Hey Carmen, we were just wondering- (Mads light flashes.) Mike: Rats, Pearl's calling. Carmen: Pearl? Mike: You'll see- it's not a good thing. (looks outward) Hey Pearl, what's up? (cut to Castle Forrester where Pearl and Brain Guy look on.) Pearl: Mike...(suddenly looks a bit confused) wait, you've got a guest there... Brain Guy: (eyes wide) Pearl! We could have trouble! Pearl: How- Brain Guy: (pulls Pearl aside and whispers) Pearl, Mike's "guest" is none other than Carmen Sandiego. She's a thief known to escape any prison she's put in. If she could escape- Pearl: (eyes widen with realization and she whispers her reply) You mean, she could help Nelson and the tinkertoys escape? Brain Guy: (whispers) Exactly. Pearl: We can't let that happen! Brain Guy: And have I got an idea. Send them a video of her most horrid caper! Pearl: And that helps...how? Brain Guy: (growls at Pearl's lack of understanding) Don't you get it? If we make her suffer through her own caper, it may make her weak enough to abandon thoughts of her escaping. Besides, we need time to figure out a way to get her off so that she won't come back in any sort of rescue attempt. Pearl: Hey, sure, make 'em ALL suffer! (to everyone on SOL) Hey there, have I got a treat for all of you. In honor of your guest, I dug up a caper of hers on video that was quite...well, forgettable. (cut to Satellite of Love) Carmen: Oh no, she can't mean- (Castle) Pearl: I do! Hey Brain Guy, dress Carmen up in proper attire and send 'em all (chuckles wickedly) "The Stolen Smile!" (SOL) Carmen: Oh no...(looks a bit green) (Castle) Brain Guy: One jumpsuit coming- (SOL) Tom: WAIT!! (Castle) Brain Guy: What is it now? (SOL) Tom: Look Brain Guy, we just have one request. I know Carmen's color is red, but don't give her a red jumpsuit. There's been one human who's worn one here and we'd like to...you know, retire the color. Carmen: This person must have been really special to you then. Crow: Yeah. His name was Joel Robinson and he was the guy who did make us. Carmen: Oh, I see. Tom: Yeah, good ol' Joel. (chuckles and pauses) You know, he gave us the stupidest good-bye message. Crow: He did! And remember, he made those silly inventions... (both laugh hysterically and then pause and look at each other. Then they look sad.) Tom and Crow: WE MISS JOEL!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!! (Mike gives each 'bot a hug.) Mike: (wonders out loud) Think they'd care this much if I left? Tom: (sniffling) Maybe Mike but- (castle) Pearl: HEY! Tinkertoys! SHUT UP! (SOL) Tom and Crow: (still sniffling) O...k. (castle) Pearl: So Brain Guy, pick another color to shut 'em up. Brain Guy: Will do, Pearl. If I remember correctly, Carmen did wear one brown outfit, so...(uses his powers and the sound effect plays.) There you go. (SOL) (Carmen's clothes change into a light brown jumpsuit and hat. Under the jumpsuit is a red turtleneck.) Mike: Oh man, I see they've dressed you for the movie Carmen. You get used to such clothes after awhile, trust me. Carmen: (looking over her new attire) I...uh...hope so. (Castle) Pearl: NOW SEND THE MOVIE! Brain Guy: Oh, of course! (uses his powers as sound effect plays) There. (Suddenly the movie lights flash and the alarm sounds.) Mike and 'bots: WE GOT MOVIE SIIIIIIIIIIIGN! (Carmen looks confused. Tom and Crow dash off.) Carmen: What do I- (Mike grabs her by the hand.) Mike: C'mon, we gotta get into the theater! (Mike runs off, dragging Carmen behind him.) (Theater door opens followed by doors 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.) (Mike enters carrying Servo. Behind him is Crow followed by Carmen. Crow sits down in the far right seat, Mike sits in the next seat and places Servo on the chair to his left. Carmen sits down next to Servo.) (A little note, we're using the video, therefore the Fox theme precedes the episode.) (20th Century Fox theme.) Mike: Star Wars? ("Where on Earth is Carmen Sandiego?" theme song begins.) Mike: Guess not. (A live-action boy is sitting at his computer. He moves his mouse onto an option on the screen that reads "Acme Headquarters." There is a blue flash of light and the Chief appears on the screen with a blue background behind him.) Carmen That screen should be pink. Tom Pink? Chief: Where on Earth is Carmen Sandiego? Tom Uh, well, (motions to Carmen) here. (Zoom in on Chief's eyeball followed by a quick zoom through the C-5 corridor which is filled with computer generated frames of various facts.) Crow Whoa, slow down! (scene comes into animation with a crowd celebrating at a Chinese festival.) Singers: Where is Carmen Sandiego Tom (motions to Carmen) Here. Carmen Sandiego (a lady comes by with a giddy expression on her face. She's holding a sparkler in each hand.) Crow Hee hee! I'm stoooned! (lady dips down and behind her and the C-5 entrance appears.) Singers: Where on Earth can she be? Tom She's not, she's here! Singers: Tell me, where is Carmen Sandiego? Tom I did! Carmen Sandiego, Where on Earth can she be? Tom Don't you LISTEN? Ooh, ooh, ooh Sphinx Mona Lisa Leaning Tower of Pi Crow They said pee, huh-huh. sa London Zoo, Timbuktu Can you help us find a clue? Tom Too late for that! Oh, where is Carmen Sandiego? Tom Here, damn it! Carmen Sandiego Where on Earth can she be? Tom FOR THE LAST TIME, HERE! (show logo) Crow This is supposed to be educational, right? (title screen, displaying writers' names) Mike But was this really written? Crow (noticing a writer's name) Kimmer Ringwald. Molly's sister? Tom (noticing a second writer's name) And Sean Roche as the Smile. (Scene opens showing windmills. It's a stormy night scene with lightning bolts crashing in the background. A black cat jumps onto the screen, hisses and bounds off.) Tom A pissed off Salem takes off. (cat jumps on buildings' roofs running off to the left of the screen) Tom He really gets around. Gotta be the paws. (Scene shifts to a greenish building, a museum. There is a sign on it.) Mike (reading sign) Vincent Van Gogh. Crow My ear! My ear! (First shot of Carmen on the screen. She is walking down a flight of stairs.) Crow There she is. (The black cat jumps by the window and hisses.) Tom Cat doesn't like you, it seems. Carmen Shut up. (On screen Carmen reaches the end of the flight of stairs, and then walks down the museum hall. As she slows down, sparkles can be seen by on screen Carmen's ankles.) Crow Doing a little angel dust on the side? Carmen Crow.... (On screen Carmen pulls a device out of her coat- a silver flat gadget with a slide rule on top.) Crow Whoa! (On screen Carmen places device on painting, slide the rule over which takes the eyes from painting.) Mike Now my eyes are gone! (On screen Carmen glances at stolen section of the painting and smiles. Suddenly, Dutch screaming is heard in the background.) Tom That means "stop or we'll dance in wooden shoes." (On screen Carmen dashes off until she is below a large window. A rope lowers toward her with a loop attached to it. She places one foot in the loop and grabs the rope with both ankles. The rope quickly pulls her upward. Subtitles then appear on the screen reading, "She's getting away!") Mike and 'bots Duh! (A dog tries leaps after on screen Carmen.) Crow That dog didn't get a rabies shot! (Windows close. Scene shifts to an overview of the city. A red jet waiting for on screen Carmen takes off. Window is mysteriously open in fly by shot.) Tom The windows' open again! (Helicopters come on the scene, chasing after the jet.) Crow Here comes the traffic team. (Jet goes under bridges that have narrow arches to pass through.) Mike and 'bots (singing) We're riding the streets of Venice We certainly do get around! Cop (in helicopter): We know it's you Carmen Sandiego! Mike Finally it hits them! (Jet is brought down as helicopters push it to the ground.) Crow Oh no! Traffic's too bad! Land! (Cops exit the helicopters and some cars arrive on the scene to assist them. A couple of cops approach the jet.) A cop: Finally we have captured the world famous- (Cops open jet door revealing a dummy in the cockpit. Cops gasp.) Mike and 'bots What-? But you-? Carmen (chuckles to herself) (Scene shifts back to museum, door opens. There is a dog waiting.) Tom (dog) Gimmie my rabies shot! On screen Carmen: Sit! (though it sounds very much like "tit.") Crow TIT? You said TIT? Carmen (ticked) I SAID sit! Crow Uh, nope! (Dog sits and pants.) On screen Carmen: Good boy. (pats dog on the head and exits) Tom Bet you say that to all the guys... (Carmen punches Tom's head and it comes off. He screams.) Player: I can catch you Carmen. Crow (mockingly) I'm rubber and you're glue. On Screen Carmen: Go ahead, try. This should be fun. Tom About as fun as a ROOT CANAL! (fade out) Crow It's over, let's go. (Mike sits Crow back down. He then pulls out a new head for Tom and screws it on.) (Fade back into Player at his computer.) Tom Thanks. (he then leans towards Mike and nervously asks) Mike, can we trade seats? Mike Servo, stop it. Tom But Mike! Mike Servo! Tom (nervously) Ok... Chief: (appears on screen) Hey Player, come on, let's bust a move. Tom (singing) You want, you got it... Pick a detective, and make it snappy. (The letters I-V-Y appear on the screen as each letter appears all read them. Ivy beams in.) Mike Beam me in, Scotty. Ivy: Hello Player. Thanks for picking me. Crow I didn't and my name is Crow! Ivy: I have a grudge to settle with that Carmen Sandiego. Crow All right, whatcha do? Carmen Nothing at all. Tom Sure.... Ivy: I can handle anything Carmen throws at me Crow Including large metal objects. on my own! Chief: Ivy, Ivy, Ivy. You must simply learn to accessorize. All (snicker) Crow Pink background, that voice....you think...? Chief: A partner could be so right for you. (Screen now shows a 4 pictures- one of Wilber Wright, one of Orville Wright, one of Lewis and the other of Clark.) Chief (in background): Think if Wilber didn't have Orville. Tom Think if Batman never had Robin. (Zoom back to Ivy.) Ivy: Yeah, yeah, the Wright Brothers would have never invented the first airplane. Crow So bite me! Chief: AAAAH! Duck! Mike Sorry, my turrets again. (Plane flies over Ivy's head. She ducks and screams.) (Scene shifts to screen with the 4 pictures on it. A line is drawn down to Clark) Mike (sports caster) They're down to the 20... Chief: (in background) And what would Lewis do if Clark wasn't always fetching- Photo of Clark: Are we there yet? Mike and 'bots NO! (Shift back to Ivy.) Ivy: Fine but who... (Shift to the Chief's screen. Letters Z-A-C-K appear on it.) Zack?! My brother Zack? Crow As long as it isn't the Hanson! (Shift to the Acme Detective Agency floor. Zack beams in.) Mike (surfer dude) Beam me in too, dude! Zack: Hey Ivy, you working this case with me? Tom NO! Ivy: Correction- you are working this case with me, little brother. Crow The dog from "Mulan?" Zack: Hey Playmeister, what's up? Crow That's Crow! Chief: (surfer voice) What's up Zack (normal voice) is that Carmen stole the eyes of a Van Gogh painting. (On the Chief's screen, the painting is pictured. A second later, the eyes disappear from it.) All (screaming) I'M BLIND! (Shift back to Acme floor) Ivy: But Chief, why would Carmen just steal the eyes, when she could have stolen the whole painting? Tom Yeah, why? Chief: Well, that's what you and the Boy Wonder have to find out. Crow He's Robin? Zack: Ok sis, let's go! Ivy: (growls) Please don't call me that, Zachary! All Ooooooooh! Chief: Well, let's go Player! If I had a life, we'd be wasting it! Crow Which one of us said that? (looks around) (Zack skateboards towards the Headquarters' doors. A few feet before them, the C-5 corridor entrance appears. Zack stops too short on his board and falls.) Tom Ouch, my ass! (Zack's skateboard drifts into the corridor entrance.) Chief: The Player has accessed the C-5 corridor. Mike Complete with sparkling blue light effects. Zack: No way am I C-5ing it to Holland, Chief! Crow They wear wooden shoes there! Chief: You know Zack, Franklin D. Roosevelt had a saying- (There's a countdown on the Chief's screen when it starts...) Tom He's gonna blow up! (After it reaches one...) Mike and 'bots BOOM! (Footage of FDR appears on screen.) FDR: The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. Carmen And watching this caper! (Shift to Acme floor.) Zack: Oh yeah, well I got a saying too- Crow Bite me! Zack: If it doesn't have a seat belt and an in-flight movie, I don't fly it. Ivy: Chief, the C-5 corridor doesn't always get us where we want to go. Crow To the bathroom! Chief: It's got a few minor glitches, so sue me! Tom Oh, I trust him! Chief: Besides, while you travel, the Player can call up information. Tom To find out Carmen's RIGHT NEXT TO US! (C-5 map appears.) Chief: Now let's blow this motherboard! Crow He said- Mike We know! We know! Chief: Technology, ya gotta love it. Crow No! It got us stuck up here! Chief: We're C-5ing you from San Fransisco to Amsterdam. Mike Where you'll be wearing wooden shoes. (Doors open.) Mike Oh and your in-flight movie will be "Rambo." Chief: You're heading to Northern Europe. Crow I thought we were going to Amsterdam! Chief: Destination, the Netherlands. Tom AMSTERDAM! Chief: The Netherlands, which is also known as Holland, which is also known as the Netherlands. Mike Now I'm confused. ("Camera" smacks into a large screen.) Chief: There you'll see- wooden shoes Mike and 'bots No! and tulips. I gotta tell ya, this place is FLAT, flat as a pancake. Crow Blueberry? You wanna build a bowling alley, well this is the place! (Cartoon bowler bowls down windmills.) Mike O.....k.... (C-5 corridor opens. Ivy falls on the sidewalk. Zack lands in tulips.) Tom There's the tulips, now where's the wooden shoes? Zack: The C-5 did it again! Tom It stole my underwear! Zack: This is definitely not the museum. Crow (sarcastically) Really? (A strange little man, Toriste Classe is focused on. He is hiding out spying on the 2 detectives on his motorscooter. He has a camera in his hand with an antenna on it. There's also a screen on it with on screen Carmen's picture on it. Suddenly, Toriste's antenna is right near his nose.) Mike and 'bots EW! Toriste: Hey boss, there's two Acme detectives here! On Screen Carmen: Is my little surprise ready? Crow You look...um...stoned. Carmen (growls) (Toriste laughs.) Crow Oh God! Toriste: Of course! On Screen Carmen: Get out of the country- now! Tom MOVE, MOVE, MOVE! (Scene shifts back to the detectives. Zack is now next to Ivy on the sidewalk. Toriste's scooter zooms by them.) Ivy: Look over there! (she points. Scene then focuses on old guy) Tom It's Mr. Hooper! He's alive! Ivy: C'mon! There's Toriste Classe! Let's slap on a brain bucket Tom Uh, that requires a brain. and go after him! (Ivy and Zack put on helmets and get on a scooter together. Ivy is up front driving.) Ivy: Toriste is a con artist and international art thief. Zack: And Carmen's just stolen the eyes of a Van Gogh! Mike At least somebody read the script! (Zoom out to show city and the two motorscooters chasing each other.) Tom Exciting.... (Zoom back onto the detectives.) Zack: Think there's some connection? Mike Ya think? (The detectives pursue Toriste to a bridge. Toll bar comes down.) Mike and 'bots YOU HAVE TO PAY THE TOLL FIRST! (Detectives do the same. The scooters are now driving upward on the raising bridge. Zack notices the edge of the bridge is near.) Zack: Look out sis! Ivy: (as scooter goes off bridge) DON'T CALL ME SIIIIIIIIIS! Crow We'll call you biiiiitch.... (Toriste's motorcycle transforms. There are sail-like thing that make wings on the scooter.) Tom The most complex umbrella! (Zack and Ivy are screaming as their scooter falls. They get larger and larger, as if the "camera" is getting closer to them.) Crow They're gonna hit the camera! (Quiz question appears on screen) Zack's voice in background: What is another name for the Netherlands? Crow I dunno, they got me confused! Mike I thought this was supposed to be educational? (All leave. Theater doors close behind them.) (Mike, Crow and Carmen are standing in the main room of the SOL.) Crow: Where's Servo? Mike: Got me. He took off as soon as we left the theater. (notices a note on the counter.) Hey...let's see here... Crow: What's it say? Mike: It says (reads) 'Dear Mike and Crow, I'm hiding right now. I don't want Carmen to knock off my head again. I'll be in for the movie, but otherwise, I'm staying as far away from her as possible! Your buddy, Servo.' Crow: Mike, this is serious. Carmen: I didn't think I used that much force with that punch. And I really- Crow: Well, look what you've done anyway! You scared Servo half to death! Mike: Now Crow- Carmen: Crow, if I find him, I'll tell him I'm sorry. And I- Crow: Ok lady, look- there's something ya gotta know here. Servo, Mike and I are stuck here watching these bad movies and such. We survive by making fun of them. We always comment on the actions of the characters and amuse ourselves like this. Right Mike? Mike: Well yeah... Crow: And see, we're just doing that. We don't have any feelings against you when we do. So get it straight- we're joking!!! Carmen: So, those comments that make me sound like a stupid drug using hooker- Crow: All in fun. Hey, lighten up, all right? And Servo was just joking as well. Carmen: Well, I do feel terrible. And I'm never a woman of violence to begin with, I have no idea what came over me. Mike: Hey, just find Servo and say you're sorry. I'm sure things will be fine after that. Carmen: Oh I will, Mike. Mike: Good, now let's go find Tom. Crow: Yeah, let's play, "Where on the Satellite of Love is Tom Servo?" (snickers) Mike: Ok, so where's a good place to start looking? Crow: Let's start a search party! (Carmen glances upward.) Carmen: Never mind. (points upward) I found him. (Mike and Crow glance up.) Mike: (shouting up) Hey Tom, you can come down now! Tom: (off camera shouting back down) Not until Carmen says she's sorry! Carmen: (shouts up) Tom, I'm really sorry. I lost my temper and I promise I will never hurt you again. Please come back down and all will be well. Tom: (shouts down) I can't! Carmen: (shouts up) I mean what I say, Tom. Won't you please come down? Tom: (shouts down) Oh, I believe you, it's just that....well (sheepishly) I'm...um....stuck up here in the rafters. Mike: (shouts up) Hang on, I'll bring you back down. (Commercial lights flash.) Mike: We'll be right back. (exits) (Fade out.) To be continued....