How the Professor (almost) Stole Christmas a parody by Kara French Based on "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" by Dr. Seuss The detectives At ACME Liked Christmas a lot..... But Professor Sara, Who worked at V.I.L.E., Did NOT! Professor Sara hated Christmas! The entire season! Don't ask me why. I know not the reason. It could be that her childhood wasn't all that great. It could be because of her most recent cell-mate. But I think the most likely reason of all Was that her sanity was two sizes too small. But, Whatever the reason, Prison or a mother she wouldn't forgive, She stood there on Christmas Eve, cursing the detectives. There in her lab, she thought and she thought About Zack and Ivy and the embarassment they'd wrought. For they had locked her away for all of her crimes, And done it again and again, many, many times. "They called me insane!" she yelled in disgust. "And I must get revenge! I must, I must!" Then saying as she ran out into the hallway, "I must find some way to spoil their holiday!" Because, In the past they had..... .....Ruined her schemes And put her in jail. And then! Then they had laughed! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! That's the one thing she hated! Their HA! HA! HA! HA'S! And she knew at this Carmen had also shed a smirk. At times, Sara thought, her boss could be such a jerk! A JERK! JERK! JERK! JERK! Professor Sara still believed she could be a better thief than her, All that she need was a great heist to occur! And THEN, She'd be Quite the best! And Carmen would be the one under arrest! Every thief in the world, the tall and the small, Would know that SHE was the greatest of all! She'd be the BEST! The very best! Everyone would know that she was the BEST!!!! And the more Sara went on her mad ego trip, The more Sara thought, "It's time to prove my leadership! "Why for all of these years I've put up with it now! I MUST show the world my talents! BUT HOW?" Then she got an idea! An insane idea! PROFESSOR SARA GOT A HORRIBLY INSANE IDEA! "I'll steal Christmas!" Sara laughed in her throat. And she made a quick Santa Claus hat and a coat. And she cackled, and clucked, "What a great Sara trick! With this hat and this coat I look just like Saint Nick!" "All I need is a reindeer..." Professor Sara looked 'round, But in the Sandiego Manor, no reindeer were found. Did that stop Psycho Sara....? Oh no! She simply said, "If I can't find a reindeer, I'll STEAL one instead!" So, she hopped in her car, and went to the zoo, Where she stole a reindeer -his name was Lou. Then she loaded some bags, And some sacks -quite a few! On a high-tech sleigh, And hitched up old Lou. Then the Professor said, "Giddyap!" Or something of the sort. She has a thick accent, Forgive me if I distort. She drove up to ACME in her turbo-charged sled, Where all the detectives were asleep in their beds, And broke into the building without much to dread. "Here's where I'll begin," Sara Claus hissed. And marched through the door, empty bags in her fist. She bypassed the codes, for she had the key. And if Carmen could do it, then why couldn't she? She only paused then for a moment or two, Until she was sure of what exactly to do. Then she saw the detectives' stockings all hung in a row. "These stockings," she grinned "are the FIRST things to go!" She slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant, Around the whole room and took every present! For Zack and for Ivy! And one for Jasmine! For Armando and Tatyanna! (But none for Lee Jordan!) She stole every one without a slight "Por Favor" And began to make her way out to the door. After, she went to the computer where the Chief was asleep, And hacked into the hard drive without even a peep! She downloaded the entire system quick as a flash, (except for Windows 95 which she thought was trash!) She slid the disc out of the drive with great glee. "And NOW!" grinned Professor Sara, "I will steal the Christmas tree!" So Sara grabbed the tree and made for the door, Until she heard the sound of high heels on the floor. She turned 'round quick and gave a great gasp! For Carmen had come to stop her at last! The Professor had been caught by her very own boss Who had on her face a look very cross. She stared at the Professor and asked, "Sara, why? Why are you stealing their Christmas tree? WHY?" But you know, old Sara thought she was so smart and slick She thought up a lie and she thought it up quick! "Dear Carmen," Professor Sara Bellum sweetly lied, "There's a light on this tree that won't light on one side. So, I'm taking it back to the lab to fix it, okay? I'll fix it real soon, without any delay!" That fib didn't fool Carmen. No, it DID NOT! Who knew as far as donuts went -Sara had squat. Carmen gave Sara a look filled with contempt, And said, "I had hoped you'd have learned after your last attempt." Carmen gave a sigh, and looked 'round. And she wasn't too happy about what she found. She went up to Sara and said, "Put it back. And if YOU don't I WILL -you crazy maniac!" But Sara said, "No." I stole it. It's mine You're only jealous because I've outdone YOUR crimes!" THEN, Carmen got angry and Carmen got mad Which for Our professor was really, really bad. At this quarter past dawn..... All the detectives still a-bed, All the detectives still a-snooze, Carmen went to Sara's sled. And saw it packed up with their presents, the ribbons, the wrappings! The tags and the tinsel! The trimmings! The trappings! Carmen couldn't believe it! And it broke her heart, To see Sara try and tear ACME's Christmas apart! "I'll end this right now," she said to herself. "Even if I have to do it all by myself!" Then Sara said, "They're waking up now. Do you know what they'll do? All the detectives at ACME will all cry BOO-HOO!" "That's a noise," Carmen said, "That you NEVER will hear. Decorations and presents are not what brings holiday cheer." It's caring and sharing and songs your heart sings With your friends and family. And love in spite of things." "That's right," said Zack As Ivy handcuffed Sara and emptied her sack. "Thank you Carmen for saving the day. Would you join us for Christmas?" was what Ivy had to say. "Why thank you, detectives, I do believe I shall. As soon as Sara's taken care of." -pointing to the crazy gal. Professor Sara, who was now popping her eyes, Was in quite a fantastic state of surprise! For all the detectives in ACME, the tall and the small, Had surrounded her sleigh, everyone, one and all! She hadn't ruined their Christmas! She had FAILED once again! Defeated once more, her efforts in vain! And the Professor -who stood shaking under the misletoe, Stood puzzling and puzzling, "How could it be so? "I stole all the ribbons! I stole all the tags! I stole all the packages, boxes, and bags!" And she puzzled three hours in jail till her puzzler was sore. Then Sara Bellum thought of something she hadn't before! "Maybe Christmas," she thought, "isn't something that can be stolen..." "Maybe Christmas is something a little more golden..." And what happened THEN...? Well, her therapists say Professor Sara's sanity grew THREE sizes that day! And the minute her lost mind was found, She broke out of jail and was ACME-bound. To join Carmen and Ivy! Zack and the Chief! And she.... ...SHE HERSELF...! Carved the Christmas roast beef! *Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukah eveyone! Hope you enjoyed this! ~Kara*