(SOL doors close and the camera zooms in on the bridge. Carmen is toying with the invention, yet again. Tom enters.)
Tom: How's it going?
Carmen: I think my invention is just about ready.
Tom: Really? ALL RIGHT! WOO HOO!
(Mike and Crow run onto the bridge.)
Crow: What's all the cheering about?
Tom: Carmen said her invention is ready.
(Mike and Crow gasp.)
Mike: Really?
Carmen: Just about. I need to test it though.
Crow: Okay...how can you do that?
Carmen: On a limited basis. Maybe transport one of you to another part of the ship?
(Mike and the 'bots look at each other.)
Tom: Heh heh...hey Mike, why don't you try it out?
Mike: Me?! Why don't one of you try it out? You won't die if anything goes wrong!
Crow: Hey Servo, I'll bet ya five bucks it won't work.
Tom: You're on.
Carmen: (puts her hands on her hips) Oh, thanks for the vote of confidence...
Tom: Of course it'll work! Here, I'll even prove it!
Carmen: Thank you Tom.
Tom: So, what do I do?
(Carmen motions for Tom to stand in front of the invention.)
Carmen: Stand there. Now, I'll just set everything up to transport you into the theater.
Tom: Um...okay...
Carmen: (turns a few knobs) All set, Tom.
Tom: Okay...
Carmen: 3....2....1....
(Carmen goes to push a blue button but Crow presses a green one first.)
Carmen: No, don't touch that!
(Tom disappears and screams.)
Tom: (off camera) DEAR GOD...NOOOOOO!
Mike: Where did he end up?
(Carmen looks at a screen with a grid of the ship on it.)
Carmen: Right here. (points to the room)
Mike: Oh...that's the laundry room. I just tossed some things down the laundry chute.
(Carmen presses a yellow button on the device and Tom reappears with a pair of boxer shorts around his head.)
Tom: GET 'EM OFF! GET 'EM OFF!
(Mike takes his shorts off of Tom's head.)
Crow: You owe me five bucks.
Tom: Oh the horror of being in Mike's laundry...I feel so unclean! I-
Crow: My five bucks, Servo?
Carmen: No, he doesn't owe you anything. You rigged it so it wouldn't work. If you hadn't-
(Siren goes off and light flash.)
Mike: Never mind all that now!
All: WE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!!
(All run off screen. Theater doors sequence follows then Mike, 'bots and Carmen take their respective theater seats. Fic then "fades" in.)
American Pastime (Not!), Part 1
Crow: All right, which one of us said that?
"The Field is Set"
(The Many Deaths of Carmen, Part 12)
Mike: The Incredibly Messy Death of Carmen...We Really Mean It This Time!
Carmen: I doubt it.
Location: ACME HQ, Calgary, Alberta
Time: April 12, 2000 - 11:30 PM
"Hey, Pat."
"Hey, Globie, haven't seen you at HQ for awhile."
"I'm working at home."
Tom: I didn't know ACME had a work at home program...
Carmen: I don't think they do...
"Lemme see the pass."
"Here."
Crow: Wait! Who's speaking?
Carmen: And who's Pat?
Tom: (turns to Carmen) A he/she character from Saturday Night Live that they made a crappy movie about.
Crow: Not a crappy as this fic, though.
"OK."
"Like what happened to your head?"
Mike: Like dude...like I totally messed it up...
"Nothing. Minor concussion from a fight with a VILE Bluecoat on the way here, that's all."
Tom: That makes, what, 12 now?
Crow: And that's just today..
"You really should see a doctor."
Mike: (Trent) And I got this thing with doctors... just... don't ask Daria, it isn't pretty...
"Nah. It takes up too much time."
"Someday, you might just regret that."
Tom: Like we regret the day you were born!
"Oh, really?"
"Yeah, get on with it. The Chief's expecting you."
Carmen: With the cranial saw.
"See ya, Pat."
Globie walked on. I've been sidelined once too many times for the last few months. I am not missing an another day, and that's it.
Mike: I usually just find my days in the sofa cushions but that's just me...
"Hey, Laurie."
"Hey, Globie. Handing in your report, I see?"
"Yep."
"Why come all the way here when you can just fax?"
"You don't get to see very much of ACME that way."
"OK then."
Suddenly, the VILE alarm blared all over the HQ. Something must be wrong."
Carmen: Perhaps the fact that there's a quotation mark there for no reason?
"Chief?"
Crow: MCCLOUD!
"Globie! Sara Bellum's infiltrated the HQ! We have to find her, and fast!"
"But Sara's in jail!"
"Well, looks like she broke out."
Tom:: What... sense in a Globie fic? This can't be!
"Really. Is there any reports of jailbreaks from Gehenna?"
"Yep."
"Who?"
"Maelstrom."
"But, how can Maelstrom be connected to this?"
"Who knows."
Mike: Well, then ASK the good doctor!
Just then, Sara saw them, and started shooting.
"DUCK, Chief!"
"You don't have to tell me twice!"
"OW!"
"Laurie!"
"I'm fine. The bullet scraped me."
Carmen: The new "Indian Burn" Bullets... Not deadly but as annoying as their sadistic older brother...
"Let's get outta here!"
Tom Okay! (starts to walk out, Mike pushes him back down)
"Easier said than done!"
Tom: (looks at Mike) No kidding!
"Look! It's Ann Tickwitee with Ivy!"
"Looks like they haven't been hit yet."
"Wait! Zack! I'll have to get him."
"No, Globie, NO!"
Crow: All right, which one of us said...
Carmen: Crow, stop it. It's getting annoying.
"But..."
"Let's just get out of here!"
Crow: If you say so! (starts to walk out, Mike pushes him back down)
Mike: Now stop that, you two!
"ZACK!"
Carmen: IIIIII-VYYYYY!!!! (sees others looking at her) Inside joke.
Outside the HQ, they met up with Ivy, Ann and the Calgary Police. They went in, but Sara was too quick, and escaped.
"Lemme in there!"
"No, Globie!"
Mike: Did they just say...
Tom: The dirtiest line EVER people!
But there was no holding Globie, and he rushed into the ruined HQ, looking for Zack and the Good Guides. Then, Jaci appeared.=20
Crow: POOF! I'm Heeeeere!
"Jaci! Are you all right?"
"Yep, and Sara is too."
"Sara Bellum? Still in the building?"
"Not Sara Bellum, Sara Keating!"
Tom: Oh GREAT, as if it wasn't confusing enough!
Carmen: Oh no! They got Kallah too?!
Crow: Who's Kallah?
"Where's Zack?"
"I don't know."
"Where's the Good Guides?"
"I don't know!"
Mike: Do you know ANYTHING?
"I'm going to find them."
"Where's Laurie?"
"Outside. A bullet scraped her, but she's OK."
Tom (announcer): 10 seconds ago on "Deaths"...
"That's good."
Jaci and Sara made their way out of the ruined ACME HQ, while Globie continued to look for Zack and the Good Guides. Suddenly, in the rubble, something moved.
Carmen: So when did the building become rubble?
"Zack?"
"Globie..."
"Zack!" Are you all right? Speak to me!"
"Pain..."
Crow: (Panic): ...and Panic! Reporting for duty!
"MEDIC!"
Later, at the Peter Lougheed Hospital in Northeast Calgary...
Ivy sat on the bench, with her head drooped low. Kim Yoonity, who escaped the carnage, paced in circles.
Carmen (Tenna): Mmm... Carnage!
Laurie and Globie were sitting beside Ivy, keeping her company.
Then, the Operating Room door opened, and the doctor came out.
"Doctor, is everyone OK?"
"I'm only one of the doctors inside, but I can tell you about Ivan Idea."
"How is Ivan, doc?"
"He's stable, I guess. And here he is now."
Mike: (preacher) HE HAS BEEN HEALED!
"Ivan! You still can walk?"
"Like why not, Laurie?"
"OK, stupid question."
Crow: (Laurie): I keep forgetting I'm a woman...
"Ivan can go, BTW."
Tom: Return of the Killer Abbreviations!
"Thanks, doc. Laurie, I'm going to take Ivan home."
"I can do it myself, Kim. Thanks anyway."
"But..."
"I can do it myself!"
"OK, fine. Hey, here's more. I hope it's good."
"OK, doc, who is it?"
"Zack."
"What about him?"
"Well..."
"IS HE OK?"
Tom: Well, what is it? Coma? Amnesia? Crushed Spleen? There's only so many serious injuries we HAVEN'T seen in this turkey yet.
"Well...It's...It's...serious."
"Is it really serious?"
"Yes."
Carmen: Is it bigger than a bread box?
Mike: Can it be made into a tasty whipped cream casserole?
Ivy sat back down, and started crying.
"He'll be OK, Ivy. He'll be OK."
"Laurie, you stay with Kim and Ivy. I'm going home."
"But..."
"No buts, Laurie."
"OK, fine.
Tom: Larry Fine?
Have it your way."
Crow: At Burger King.
"Thanks, Laurie."
"Yeah, you're welcome."
Globie walked out of the hospital, and walked into the Rundle C-Train Station. A lot of thing flashed in his mind. The shooting...Zack...Ivy...Thee were just too many.
Mike: Thee?
Carmen: Is he trying to say 'three?'
Crow: Can Globie count that high?
Tom: Duh...one...duh...um....
The City Center train arrived, and Globie got on. It's been awhile since he's been on a Northeast train. Just before the train got into the 36th Street Tunnel, there was a sudden funny noise.
There was Sara, breaking the rail. She ran at the sight of Globie, but before Globie could do anything, he was throw off this feet, and slammed head then leg into the metal post, then the door, and then, onto the cement lining of the tunnel.
Later, back at the Peter Lougheed...=09
Globie opened his eyes, and looked around. What happened? The last thing I saw was the concrete lining of the 36th Street C-Train Tunnel. Now, I'm in a bed with Jaci, Sara and the Chief
All: SAY!
looking down at me.
All: Oh...
"Globie! What happened?"
"I...I don't know."
Tom: I dreamt I was writing a crappy fic... and you... and you... and you were all there!
"The doctor say you hit your head really hard into that post, door and cement tunnel lining. And you broke your leg when it trailed after your head."
Mike: So you are saying you could survive a 300 foot drop into a pool of molten lava?
Crow (Globie): But I have +1 armor!
"Oh, so that explains the headache I have right now."
"Headache? Well, you had that concussion from 2 days earlier."
"How long have I been OTL?"
"2 days."
"But Sara wouldn't do such a thing."
"She's lost her donuts, and now, she's throwing her box out."
Tom: She's throwing her WHAT out?!
"But she was in prison. She couldn't have escaped."
"OK, then. Sara, call the warden at Gehenna."
"Can do, Chief."
Sara pulled out her new ACME BCCC 3K, which she obtained through her promotion to Silver Master Detective. She opened the Videophone tab, and called Gehenna.
"Hello, Warden? I would like to ask about Sara Bellum."
"No, she hasn't escaped. Carmen's here too. She's been awfully quiet."
Carmen: Hey, with all the times I've been killed, I don't want to get involved in all of this!
"Who did escape?"
"Dr. Maelstrom."
Dr. Maelstrom! If I capture Dr. Maelstrom, I'll be promoted to Gold, and then, I'll show those 3 Div noodle brains that I CAN be better!
All: Huh?
Her mid raced.
Tom: Her midi raced?
Crow: Hey my Midi is faster than hers!
If she took Globie with her, Globie will take all the credit. She wouldn't get anything.
Carmen: Finally an intellegent charicter!
She decided to go for it ALONE.
"WHAT? You're insane!"
"But, Chief..."
"I'm the only one not out of action. Jaci, Laurie, Kim and Ivy are on rest leave. I'm the only one left to defeat "Sara"!"
"What do you mean by "Sara"?"
"That's because the "Sara" that you think that destroyed ACME HQ, is really Dr. Maelstrom!"
Tom: Hey, Globie, just because Tim Curry did his voice, it doesn't mean Maelstrom has a thing for dressing in drag.
"I don't believe it."
"Well, the warden says that she's still in her cell."
Mike: He says the looped video is doing just fine.
Just then, a call came in for the Chief.
"ACME. Chief speaking."
"This is the warden at Gehenna. Sara Bellum's escaped a few days when Maelstrom escaped. That was a dummy in the cell. Carmen's still in the bag, however."
Tom: So all these guys escaped and you're drunk, Carmen?
Carmen: Now it isn't like me to say this, but that's sounding good right about now...
"OK, thanks, warden. See, Sara. It IS Sara."
Crow: Say that five times fast.
Mike: Ok... See Sara, Sara iss....
"No it's not, and I'll prove it to you." A voice boomed behind them.
"SARA BELLUM!"
"AAAAAAAAA! Close the watertight compartments! Women and children first! AAAAAAAAAA!"
"Calm down, Chief."
"What are you doing here at ACME HQ? Sara Bellum?"
"I only wanted to say, I didn't derail the C-Train, and I didn't destroy ACME HQ."
Mike: Well of course you didn't. The building collapsed after the paragraph break.
"So, begging for forgiveness, eh?"
"No! I'm saying, It's not me who doing all this stuff! It's Maelstrom!"
"OK...HOLD IT! HOT TIP, SARA!"
"Which Sara?"
"Sara of ACME."
Mike: So now it's See Sara Sara of Acme isn't Sara of... I'm confused.
Carmen: What's new?
"Oh."
"What is it, Chief?"
"The Seattle Police Department has reported an explosion at the Kingdome in Seattle!"
Carmen: Well they imploded the place over a year ago...
"Permission to investigate, Chief."
"Granted."
"Can Sara Bellum come along?"
"No."
"Chief!"
"NO!"
"Please, Chief. This is the only way for Sara to prove her innocence!"=20
Crow: And innocence is equal to twenty, apparently.
"Oh, all right, fine. Sara need "Q" Clearance first, and you need to cuff her to your arm."
"Why?"
"Them the breaks, kid."
"Fine."
And so, the Chief got "Q" Clearance from the higher-ups of ACME, Sara cuffed Sara Bellum to her arm, Sara set her ACME BCCC 3K for Seattle, and in a flash, they were gone.
Location: Kingdome, Seattle, Washington
Time: April 13, 2000 - 1:30 AM
The C-5 portal opened, and out dropped Sara and Sara Bellum. The bomb did its job well. It destroyed all of the west side of the stadium.
"Maelstrom!"
"You got that right."
"He's nearby."
"Chief, come in."
"Sara."
"Maelstrom is still hiding nearby."
Tom: I thought that single walking Palm frond looked guilty.
"OK, I'll call for Seattle PD Backup."
"Fine. But tell them to not make a sound when they come in to the stadium!"
Carmen (Harley Quinn): Sneak, sneak, sneak...
"Gotcha. Do you still have your cargo?"
"Right here."
Sara hung up, and went through one of the portals to the stands, then to the Mariners' dugout. Suddenly, all the lights came on, illuminating the baseball field. And in the field, stood Maelstrom.
"So good of you to come to "Dr. Maelstrom's Baseball Training Camp of Death!"
Tom: A Martin Quinn Production.
"Oh, and how do we make the cut by arresting you?"
"There will be none that'll make the cut!"
"Oh, yeah?"
All of a sudden, Maelstrom started firing baseballs at Sara with the batting machine. Sara looked around, and saw Griffey's bat. She picked it up, and returned Maelstrom's favors.
"No one makes the cut, so forget it!"
"Never say never, Maelstrom!"
Sara hit the next ball straight at the machine, turning it towards Maelstrom. When it ran out of balls, Maelstrom reappeared in a helicopter, and started firing at Sara and Sara Bellum.
"RUN!"
And Sara and Sara ran all the bases, until Sara got to 3rd base. Sara Bellum pulled out a ball.
Mike: Okay, I give up being confused...
"Sara, aim it at the bulging part!"
"OK..."
Tom: (Butt-head) Huh-huh. He said, 'bulging part.'
Sara swung the bat, and the ball flew higher and higher, and hit the fuel tank of Maelstrom's chopper straight on. The chopper exploded, and Maelstrom bailed out.
Just then, robots started filling up the field.
Tom: Please tell me we're not there too.
Crow: God, I hope not!
Sara frantically called up the Chief for backup.
"Chief, I'm still at Seattle's Kingdome. I need help to beat Maelstrom's 'bots in a game of baseball, and I can't win with me and Sara Bellum alone."
"OK, backup is on its way."
"Thanks, Chief."
One by one, the C-5 portals opened. Globie, Zack, Kim Yoonity, Ann Tickwitee, Laurie, Jaci came out. But there was still one person missing.
"Globie! Did the Chief send you?"
"Yep. And we have a special person to help us win thi sucker."
Tom: I smell a pointlessly gratuitous guest star...
Carmen: Who should sue for being used in a fic like this...
The last portal opened, and Mark McGwire appeared.
Mike: Along with a team of lawyers for the Defamation of Character lawsuit.
"What am I doing here at the Kingdome at the wee hours of the morning?"
Crow: (Mark) And more importantly, how the hell did I end up in this crappy fic?
"Well, the Chief of ACME did call you to help, didn't he?"
"Well, yeah. OK, Agents, let's beat these 'bots to the scrapyard."
"Easier said than done."
"Why do you say that, Globie?"
"Well...Oh, never mind."
Carmen: It made no sense to me either.
"OK, Let's go!"
The Chief appeared, wearing a whistle and a cap.
"OK, team, let's go!"
"UP ACME!"
Mike: The hell kind of rallying cry is that?!
Mark and the agent rushed onto the field, and Globie took the coin toss.
"Heads."
The coin flipped into the air.
"Tails."
"Cheat!"
"Tails!"
"Heads!"
"TAILS!"
"HEADS!"
Mark stepped in, and looked at the coin.
"Heads."
"OK, fine, you win."
Crow: Wait...what side won?
The ACME agents took the bench, and discovered, they only have 9 people. They needed 12. After a minute, and Ivan Idea appeared with Mike Piazza and Roger Clemens.
Mike: Along with their 2000 pounds of attorney.
"OK, people, let's start this sucker!"
"We need Chase to sing the national anthems!"
"Skip that."
"Globie's right, Chief. We do need to sing the nationa anthems first!"
Crow: Yeah, forget the fact that Maelstrom is going to kill you all.
"OK, Mark. I'll call Chase Devinaux."
The Chief called Chase, and Chase sang the anthems off-key, and then, sat down on the ACME bench.
"Now do you understand why we don't want Chase to sing the anthems, Mark?"
"Yep."
But before the game could start, Maelstrom took a time out.
"It's not fair! You've got Piazza, McGwire and Clemens!"
Carmen: And once again, a person with a doctorate is reduced to the mentality of a five year old.
"Them the Breaks, Maelstrom"
"I protest!"
"There's no umpire!"
"Well, I have a umpire-bot!"
The Chief stepped up. "I'm the umpire, and no one better object!"
"It's not fair!"
"I said, no one better object!"
"Well, I'm objecting, so there!"
Mike: Objection overruled, proceed counselor.
"You want us to beat you right here, right now?"
Crow: If that line refers to Globie, YES! PLEASE!!!!
"Just you try it."
"Oh, we will."
"OK, fine."
"OK, then that's settled."
"But you've got more people!"
"Them the breaks."
Carmen: How grammatically incorrect can you get?
Maelstrom grumbled, and settled into the controls. The 'bots came off the Maelstrom bench one by one as Maelstrom activated them for the outfield.
The Chief was frantically picking his batting order.
"OK, Globie, you lead off. Laurie, you're next."
"But I want to go first, Chief!"
"No, Chase."
"Please?"
"NO."
Carmen: Welcome to the ACME Day Care Center.
"So, where was I? Oh, yes. After Globie and Laurie, it's Mark, then, Sara and Sara Bellum, Jaci, Roger, Ivan, Kim, Ann, Mike and Chase"
Soon, everyone started complaining about where they're batting.
"Why do I have to be last?"
"Why am I here?"
"Why am I there?"
When the Chief had enough, he shouted, "QUIET!"
All: PLEASE!
He explained to everyone that they need to work together to beat this, and called Lee for help.
He told them about the brothers who were always being beaten up, so their father game them single chopsticks to break. Then, he gave them bunches of chopsticks, which none of the brothers could break.
The father said, "Together, you are stronger." Everyone thought about that, and then,
Crow: Everyone told him to shut up and they beat Globie senseless!
Globie stepped out to the plate, while the others sat down.
And so, the game began...
--- To be continued ---
Tom: NOOOOOO!
American Pastime (Not!) Part 1
"Game ON!"
(The Many Deaths of Carmen, Part 13)
Tom: Don't they mean part 10?
Crow: You want to go BACK a few chapters?!
"OK, Gumshoes, the is the Chief. Last time, ACME was raided by
Maelstrom disguised as Sara Bellum. Then,
there was an explosion at the
Kingdome in Seattle."
Mike: Not that those two things are connected in any way, I just felt like pointing that out.
"Sara went to investigate, but Maelstrom trapped them, and put
them through "Maelstrom's Baseball Training
Camp of Death". Sara passed
all the tests, BTW."
Carmen: Shorthand in fanfic, tisk tisk!
"And now, ACME must play a game with ROBOTS!
So now, we rejoin the
story. Globie was getting ready to bat."
Tom: There was no joy in Globieville, as a useless woman actually HIT the ball...
We now rejoin the story...
Mike: (announcer) Already in progress.
Globie faced the 'bot pitcher.
Crow: Yes, a tall cool pitcher of Dr. Maelstrom's Robot Lemonade.
He looks really dumb, he thought.
Crow: Riiight...and you're the brillant one...
Tom: Well it IS a Globie fic.
Oh, well, how good can a pile of scrap metal put together by Maelstrom do?
"Strike 1!"
"Ball 1!"
"Strike 2!"
"Strike 3, yer outta here!"
Globie sat back down. The bat that won last year's ACME Detectiv
Awards Picnic Game. It has the names of stars
from all over North America
McGwire, Clemens, Sosa, Wells, Griffey, you
get the picture.
Crow: Sure you'd have a bat like that....
Tom: And if they did- imagine what you could get on eBay for it!
Next was Laurie. She looked at the pitcher with an icy glare, and
swung when the ball came near.
"Run, Laurie, Run!"
Mike: Run Forrest, run!
The ball flew straight up, and before it could reach the stands,
was caught with an extended glove.
Crow: Go-go Gadget arm!
"Cheat!"
"Hey, you've got McGwire, Clemens and Piazza."
Tom: Well he's got their signatures...
"You can't have that."
The scorekeeper 'bot announced the score. "2 Outs, 0-0"
"See, the scorekeeping 'bot is never wrong. It has the whole
baseball rulebook installed into its CPU."
Carmen: Including all the rules for contract renegotiation.
"Extended gloves are illegal!"
Tom: Heh heh... discriminate against robots will ya? How ya like it?
"Sue me."
The game continued. Mark stepped onto the plate.
"Strike 1!"
"No 'bot can beat a human being, right?"
Crow: I dunno. Hey, Tom pass me that crowbar will you?
"Strike 2!"
The next pitch was sent into the stands.
"2 Outs, 1-0 ACME."
After Mark had run all the bases, Jaci stepped up.
"Strike 1!"
"Strike 2!"
"Line drive by Jaci! Run! Uh oh, the outfielder's got the ball,
FASTER, JACI! Oh, she's out!"
Tom: (Annonucer) Jaci going to get some ribbing in the dugout from Globie for being the USELESS woman she is!
Jaci headed back to the dugout. She picked up her glove, and
headed back out onto the field.
"Jaci, you're out there with Globie."
Tom: We want to make sure we put all our liabilities in one place.
"OK, Chief."
The first 'bot stepped up.
"It's a long drive to center! Oh, wait a minute! A C-5 portal!
Looky at this! Griffey has the ball!"
"Yer out!"
Ken went to the ACME dugout, where the Chief greeted him.
"Hey, thanks for coming."
"No problem, Chief."
Tom: Had to get in two more cameos to fill my quota for the month...
The next batter came up. The ball went straight into the stands.
"0 out, 1-1 tie."
The next 2 batters struck out, ending the 1st inning.
Tom: OH GOD NOW THE GAME IS A MOBIUS STRIP!
Carmen: Tom, the whole fic is a mobilus strip... we've said that before...
Next was Ivan. Ivan quickly got 2 strikes, but he still has
something up his sleeve.
"Looks like Ivan's doing something...I think he's trying to bunt...Yep."
Crow: Woah-ho-Hooo!
Carmen: Crow he SAID...
Tom: Hey don't try to sugar coat it! This fic just got GOOD!
Ivan bunted, and the ball dribbled across the diamond,
Mike: Or was it the crystal?
Carmen: Diamond.
Mike: Crystal!
Carmen: Diamond!
Mike: Crystal!
Carmen: Why are we even arguing?
Mike: No idea.
passing= each of the catchers, until one of
them caught the ball, and threw it
to 2nd base, but Ivan was safe already.
Next up was Ivy. She missed the first two, resulting in 2
strikes.
Tom: And there'll be some sever hinder paddling in the dugout for this useless broad.
The third one she sent it into the stands. 2 more scored.
"0 out, 3-1 ACME."
Roger stepped up, and swung at the pitch. It flew very far
up, and was caught on the way down.
After Roger was Chase. And as you might have guessed, struck out.
"That ball was fixed, I tell ya!"
"Sit down, Chase, and let Mike be up, will ya?"
Carmen: ... Mike?
Tom and Crow: GAAHHH! THEY'RE PULLING THE READERS INTO THIS HELL HOLE! Mommie! Moooomiiee!
Mike: If I'm gonna be pulled into this mess, I want a signing bonus!
"Yes, Chief. But I'm telling ya, the ball was fixed!"
"SIT DOWN!"
"OK! OK! I'm coming! Sheesh."
Mike went up, and ended the half-inning with a sacrifice bunt
to score an another run.
Crow: And the sacrifical stone ran red with...er...cork.
An another bot came up, and got ready. Everyone took his or her
respective places. Roger at the mound, Jaci,
Globie and Ken took the
outfield, and Chase took the bench.
Mike: Thus proving that under the glossy veneer of every Acme agent is a kleptomaniac.
"Chief?"
"What is it, Chase?"
"Why can't I play? I'm good."
As good as a chimpanzee, the Chief thought to himself.
Tom: Oh the national endowment for Chimp furtherment is going to hear about THIS...
"Chase, you can bat when we're up and in the outfield when
someone's injured."
"OK, Chief, fine with me."
Carmen: After all it's only a matter of time before somebody starts bleeding profusely.
That's a load off my mind, the Chief thought to himself.
Crow: Geez... even the Chief is getting stoned!
Meanwhile, there were runners at 1st and 3rd. The next batter
came up.
Mike: Agents Who and I Don't Know seemed to be very good players...
Carmen: Mike, I thought we were going to STOP that!
"OK, bot, let's see you get past this!"
Crow: That 'bot must be Toro.
Roger pitched, and the ball was sent into orbit.
"My best pitch, foiled!"
Tom: Aaaand back we go to the handy-dandy book of cliche villian rantings...
"2 out, 4-4 tie."
The fifth batter of Maelstrom's team came up, and Roger pitched.
"Strike 1!"
"Strike 2!"
"Strike 3! Yer outta here!"
Crow: GREAT! (gets up to leave. Mike pushes him back into his seat.)
"We're up!" Sara Bellum shouted, still handcuffed to Sara.
Meanwhile, in the stands, Zack had just arrived at the Kingdome,
and watched as Sara and Sara Bellum came up
to bat.
"I wonder why Maelstrom is making us play a game of baseball at
the wee hours of the morning?" He thought
aloud.
Mike: I wonder why Globie wrote this fic...
I think I should go and check. This really sounds fishy.
Tom: Wait a minute... they can just ASK Maelstrom.
First, Maelstrom storms ACME HQ, derails the
C-Train Globie was on, bombed
the Kingdome, torturing Sara with baseball
drills, and now this?
This just doesn't make any sense.
Carmen: And a light dawns on Globie!!
Why?
Crow: Because it is a GLOOOOOBIE FIC!
I think I'll take a look-see around the whole building.
Carmen: It's not like I'm being forced to do anything...
Mike: I'm surprised they haven't left!
Tom: Why not use the C5 to GET THE HELL OUTTA THERE!
Meanwhile, in the Maelstrom dugout, Maelstrom was thinking hard,
Crow: (Winnie the Pooh) Think, think, think, think....
and scheming.
Carmen: I'm getting curious- will Maelstrom ever just get fed up and beat Globie to death with a pool cue?
Tom and Crow: We wish.
The 'bots are nothing but bombs! And if those ACME fools lose,
the 'bots will self-destruct, and blow this
place sky-high! He thought
to himself.
Mike: For those playing at home, that was Overused Cliche Bad Guy Plot #157.
While all that was happening, Sara and Sara Bellum stepped up,
and sent the 'bots scrambling for the ball
in the outfield. One of them
caught it, creating an out.
Ken stepped up after Sara and Sara Bellum. He sent the ball
out of the park totally.
Carmen: Totally? Must refrain from valley girl comment....
"1 out, 5-4 ACME."
Meanwhile, Zack had discovered Maelstrom' little secret.
Tom: (Zack) My GOD! He IS Tim Curry!
"Oh, no, I have got to tell Ivy. No! I will foil Maelstrom's
plans myself!"
He hurried away from the plans, and sprang his plan into
action.
Crow: And then the plans began to breed and soon took over Spooner, Wisconsin.
Back on the field, the 'bots have come back onto the field.
The inning ended with 4 runs scored by the
'bots, making it 8-4 for
the Maelstrom 'bot team.
It's now the 4th inning, and Maelstrom's team is leading
by 4.
Kim Yoonity stepped up; she pounded the plate with her bat,
and adjusted her skirt.
Tom and Crow: (whistle at Kim)
She got ready, and the pitcher pitched.
Like the old lady that she is,
Carmen: (Kim) WHO YOU CALLING OLD?!
she bunted, sending the 'bots scrambling once again while she ran all the way up to 3rd base.
The batting ordered ended, but the Chief still had something
up his sleeve.
Tom: Besides his nonexistant arms.
He used the videophone, asked Jaci a few questions, and waited.
A C-5 portal opened, and Cal Ripkin came out.
"Hey, thanks for coming."
"No problem, Chief."
Crow: GAH! Another cameo!
Cal went up to the plate, and sent it straight into center
field. That sent Kim home, and Cal stopped
at 2nd.
"0 out, 8-5 Maelstrom."
Globie came up. He swung, and the gold locket was sent flying
towards Sara. It hit her straight in the forehead.
Carmen: Locket? What locket?
Mike: Which Sara?
"Ouch! What in blue blazes is this?"
Tom: Uh, Globie, we have a cease and desist order here from the Banzai Institute...
"Oh, that? That's my Carmen Capture locket. 24 carat gold,
you know. Every time I catch Carmen, I get
a tiny diamond implanted
in. I get a tiny emerald for Maelstrom, and
a ruby for Lee Jordan,
sapphire for a commendation."
Tom: Geeze, ACME must be rolling in it to give THAT kind of thing out.
Crow: Maybe that's how Carmen funded VILE.
Carmen: Sottering iron, Crow.
Crow: Shutting up.
"Cool!"
"Laurie, Jaci and Chase all have one. Take a look at theirs too, BTW."
Sara handed the locket to Globie, which was already at 1st base.
Tom: So now the jewelry is playing?
Laurie was back up on the plate.
Laurie swung, and sends in Cal, Globie and herself.
Carmen: Wow, Laurie for once is a non-useless woman...
"0 out, 8-8 tie."
Mark scores
Tom: (Butt-head) Huh-huh. He said scores...
and Jaci, Ivan and Ivy struck out, effective
ending
the top of the 4th inning. Score: 9-8.
The bottom of the 4th inning passed like molasses on a cold winter day.
Crow: That's the speed of this fic too...
The 1st batter struck out, the next three loaded
the bases,
and the 5th completed the grand slam.=20
"1 out, 12-9 Maelstrom."
The rest went like the Mississippi River on a warm summer day.
Mike: What does that mean? Polluted with the risk of flood damage?
The 6th and the 7th batters struck out, ending the 4th inning.
In the top of the fifth, Roger, Chase, Mike and Sara completed
a Grand Slam of their own, making the score
13-12 ACME.
In the bottom, Only one of Maelstrom's 'bots managed to score,
Carmen: Is there a fragment of that sentence missing?
tying the game at 13 runs apiece.
Crow: (snores, abruptly wakes up) Huh? What? Did something happen?
At the end of the 5th was a 45-minute break.
Mike: Since when does baseball have a half time? I demand to speak to the umpire-bot!
Everyone on the ACME team sat down on the bench,
listening to the Chiefs' pep talk,
when Zack rushed into the dugout.
"Guys, guys! You've GOT to listen to me!"
"What is it, Zack? Is it so important that you have to disrupt
my..."
"World renown sleep-inducing pep talks?"
"Har har. But what is it, child, spill all the beans!"
"OK, Chief. Well, it's this...."
Crow: I keep having this dream where I'm wearing a sailor suit and being pursued by a horde of anime girls in really tight underthings...
(Mike hits Crow)
"What?"
"Maelstrom's going to blow the 'bots
All: EWWWWWWW!
and blowing this place sky high if we lose!"
"Oh, no, what in the world shall we do?"
Crow: Let this fic end and put us out of our misery...
"I dunno, but I have a plan."
"What is it, little bro?"
"It goes against my better judgement..."
"I thought your judgement was permanently impaired."
"Very funny, Jaci. But...I', going to play."
Carmen: Zack, you can't even speak properly right now.
"Zack, NO!"
"If we don't win, we'll all be in the hospital!"
"But you can't run."
"Oh, yes I can!"
"Really, Einstein, how?"
"I'll give you the details later. But for now, let's let the
Chief finish his sleep-inducing pep talk,
and have a round of Powerade,
and get back to business!"
Mike: Never mind my brilliant plan, I have product placements to do!
"On my mark, One, Two, Three..."
"ACME!"
The Chief finished his pep talk, and the players started on the
drink. Jac suspected something fishy going
on.
Carmen: Jac?
"Don't drink that Powerade!"
"Why, Jaci? Can't you see we're really thirsty here?"
"Why don't you use your brain, Chase?"
"It's poisoned."
Tom: Chase's brain is poisoned?
Crow: Chase has a brain?
Jaci nodded. Zack and Globie picked it up, and poured it out. They
washed the dispenser, and mixed an another
batch.
"This is the work of Maelstrom!"
Tom (Zack): But Globie and I just made it!
"No duh, Einstein."
"Keep yourself out of this, Sara Bellum!"
"Oh, yeah?"
"Wanna go?"
Crow: Sure!
(Mike holds down Crow before he can get up.)
Crow: You're no fun.
"Yeah, like you can, Chase Devinaux."
"Why, why, why you..."
"Can't, eh?"
"Can it, both of you. Right NOW."
"OK, Chief, but she started it."
"I don't care who started it."
"But..."
"No "Buts", Chase."
"Fine, OK."
"That's a boy."
"What do you take me for, a baby?"
"Yeah."
"Very funny."
Carmen: Welcome back to the Acme Daycare Center of the Damned.
The team gathered, and did the "One, two, three, ACME!" thing
again, and Ken stepped up onto the plate.
The Chief reassumed his umpire duties. Ann was up. Her mind was=
swimming with Zack's words.
"We must win this game, or we'll be blown to smithereens!"
OK, brain! I will win this game for ACME! She thought to herself.
Mike: Yes, Pinky, and then we will TAKE OVER THE WORLD!
The pitcher pitched.
"Strike 1!"
Well, brain, that was a good start. She thought.
"Strike 2!"
I have to get this one, or else, we might lose!
"It's up! Run, Ann, Run!"
Crow: Run Forrest, Run!
"Oh, Yeah, OK!"
Ann ran as fast as she can, and didn't stop until she reached
2nd base.
"Am I out?"
"Safe!"
"OK then, never mind."
Back at home, The oldest member of the ACME team, Kim, stepped up
to the plate. She adjusted her helmet, and
got ready for the pitch.
"Strike 1!"
"You naughty 'bot! Picking on old ladies!"
Crow: Spanking time!
"Yeah, Maelstrom! Throw lower!"
"Yeah!"
"YEAH!"
"Shut up!"
Carmen: I'd hate to say this, but the more I read, the more I'm rooting for Maelstrom to blow up everything...
Tom: Aren't we all?
The next pitch came, and Kim sent it to left field. That takes Ann
home, and sends Kim to 1st.
"0 out, 14-13 ACME."
Cal stepped up after Kim had left for 1st. He got ready, with Zack's
words also echoing in his mind. He swung the
ball with everything he got,
and sent it flying out of the Kingdome.
"Goodbye, pretty mama!"
"Oh, yeah, baby!"
"0 out, 16-13 ACME."
The next was Zack. He still had casts on both his legs,
Mike: WHERE THE HELL DID THE CASTS COME FROM?!
but it looks like he has the C-5 boards!"
Tom: AND WHAT THE HELL ARE THE C-5 BOARDS?!
"Strike 1!"
"Strike 2!"
"Strike 3! Yer outta here!"
"Oh, thanks a lot, Chief."
"You're welcome anytime."
"Har har."
Zack went back to the dugout, while ACME's batting order restarted
with Globie.
"Pitcher's got peanuts for brains!"
Crow: And so does the writer...
"Look who's talking!" Maelstrom shot back.
Tom: Not the greatest of insults, but nonetheless, what we were all thinking.
"Hmph."
Globie got ready. That bat with all those autographs have failed him
so far, but it's not going to happen again!
Carmen: Somebody get a red pen...I have more grammar to correct.
"Globie! The ball's in centre! Get to first before you're beaten to
the bag!"
"Hmm? Huh? Oh, yeah!"
"The 'bot's got it!"
"Faster!"
"Even faster!"
"110%, will ya?"
"OK! OK! Quit yer gripin'!"
"Oh, no! The 'bot's there already!"
Mike: Who the hell is talking here?
"Too late."
Carmen: No kidding. The bot was there half an hour ago.
"Out again!"
"Come on back."
"Get me a tall glass of coke, will ya, Chase?"
Tom: Heh heh... Which one of us said THAT...
"Get it yourself."
"Now!"
"OK, master."
"Now that's more like it."
While Chase went off to get a coke for Globie,
Crow: Chase...and Globie?
Laurie stepped up.
"Hey, Chief, how many outs?"
"2."
"Oh, boy."
"You'd better be careful, baby."
"Yeah, Chief."
"Be careful,
Carmen: What you wish for.
(Mike and the 'bots look at her.)
Carmen: Sorry, shameless plug.
our lives are at stake here."
"I won't fail you, Chief."
"I certainly hope not."
Tom: Who the hell is talking?!
"Strike 1!"
"Darn!"
"Strike 2!"
"Crud!"
"Strike 3! Yer outta here!"
"@#$*%!"
Crow: Laurie does a fine Q-Bert impression.
"Calm down, Laurie, calm down, we're leading, so don't worry."
"OK, but don't try to stop me when I freak befroe we die!"
Tom: Uh.....now that is messed up....
"Fine, fine."
"Is that 3 outs?"
"Sure is."
When all was settled, the first 'bot batter of the 6th inning=20
came up.
"Strike 1!"
"It's in, and the 'bot's at 1st!"
Mike: Wha...?
An another 'bot stepped up, and sent the ball into the stands,
sending it and the 1st 'bot home.
"0 out, 16-15 ACME."
The 3rd 'bot came up, and gone.
"All right! One out!"
"That's it, Roger!"
The 4th came, and gone also."
"Two!"
The 5th batter came up, scored a run, and tied it up at 16 apiece.
Tom: Ooh...what drama...what suspense...
The 6th came up.
"Ball 1!"
"Ball 2!"
"Strike 1!"
"Strike 2!"
"Ball 3!"
"Oh, no, not full count! This means life or death!"
Crow: Wow...I am on the edge of my seat.
Mike: You should scoot back and be more comfortable.
Crow: Most definitely.
"Careful, Roger."
"I will, Chief."
Roger got ready, and pitched.
"Pop fly to centre! Jaci, wake up!"
Carmen: Let the poor girl sleep, if she's anything like the rest of us, she's bored to tears...
"Sorry, Chief. Hey, Globie! Ball yours!"
Tom: Oops! Sorry, did I say 'ball?' I meant 'up.'
"Bingo!"
Crow: Wrong game, Jaci...
"Got it!"
"We're up!"
And so, the 7th and 8th past by like a bullet, without a single run
scored. Until the bottom of the 9th with 2
outs. One out will send the game
to extra innings.
Mike: Oh no! the tension! The Drama! The complete apathy!
"Ball 1!"
"Strike 1!"
"Pop fly to centre! Ken!"
"Got it, Chief. Extra innings, here we come!"
The game dragged on. Hour after hour, until the 17th inning...
All: AAAAAAAH!
Tom: END! EEEEENNNNNNNNNND!
"Well, Chief, we've got 2 outs, and a pending grand slam. So?"
"Sara?"
"Yes, Chief?"
"I want you to bat."
Crow: ... Your hair away from your face and get Griffy up here!
"Really?"
"Yes. Now get up there and win this game!"
Tom: Or it's back into the Box.
"Yeah, Sara!"
"Come on, pitcher, I'm ready."
The pitcher pitched. Sara swung at the ball. The ball was sent into
orbit. Sara ran, and saw Globie heading home.
Mike: And on your way, take your fic with you...
Mark scored, and Chase too. But only one left: Sara. She crossed,
effectivly ending the game.
Crow: Ladies and gentlemen, the most bland non ending in the history of sports.
"All right, we did it!"
"Now, it's Maelstrom time!"
"Bye!"
"Oh, no you don't!"
"You got him! Nail him with the cuffs!"
Tom: Ew...
"You're under arrest, Maelstrom!"
Carmen: And exactly WHO the hell is talking?
"Congrats, Sara."
"Thanks, Laurie."
The Chief appeared, sans umpire gear, and with a camera.
"Say cheese!"
"Cheese!"
After everyone got autographs from everyone else, the Chief
coughed, and Sara was given a locket with
a Maelstrom gem.
Tom: Huh? Does every detective get lovely parting gifts and the end of each case?
"Thanks, Chief. This is the day I'll remember most!"
Mike: Well, I will say this has been one of the longest days of my life...
"See, Sara, you do have one."
"You're right."
Crow: Wait, no, you're wrong.
--- The End ---
Carmen: Really?
P.S. What happened to Carmen? I dunno.
Tom: Wait, didn't you write this?
She's out there. Where on=20
Earth IS Carmen Sandiego?
Carmen: I'm right...oh, never mind!
Find out next time...
Mike: Is that a threat?
(Riffers exit the theater)
One last "To Be Continued" from the Group of MSTies.